Do you feel like a wrung out washcloth?
We see you. Plus how we get through tough moments and a free gratitude challenge.
This week in our circles the emotional exhaustion has been palpable. In addition to the weight of wars across the world, are stories of challenges much closer to home: a family member who was diagnosed with terminal illness, an appointment with another specialist for a 6 month old’s digestive issues, a friend’s tragic loss, and more. Not to mention the night wake-ups, teething, marital challenges, colds, and meltdowns. Many of us are feeling, as a friend nicely summed up, “like a wrung out washcloth.”
We share the complexities of feeling grateful that we and our children are safe, and ashamed or embarrassed that we find our lives to be so challenging. And a whole room nods with us. We understand. We see you.
We see that your challenges are valid. Your suffering is real.
There is space for all of it.
Comparative suffering, or minimizing our own problems because others “have it worse,” is not the answer. As Brené Brown explains so well in this podcast:
Emotions do not go away, because we send them a message that, “Hey, message incoming. These feelings are inappropriate and do not score high enough on the suffering board. Please delete all feelings related to this. You are not in pain enough. Thank you.” That’s not the way this works. The emotions that you’re feeling, that we feel, when we deny them double down, they burrow, they fester, they metastasize. And not only do our feelings double down and grow, they invite shame over for the party. Because now, we’re like, “I am a bad person, because I’m sad or scared or lonely, or frustrated or disappointed or pissed off. And other people have it so much worse than me.” It’s really dangerous.
It’s dangerous because suffering is part of being human, and just as there are challenges everywhere, there is enough empathy to go around.
The more we practice empathy with ourselves, the more we are able to share it with others — our children, our families, our friends, our neighbors, and beyond.
Many of us have a harsh inner critic. We say things to ourselves we would never say to a friend who was struggling.
So, how can we begin to treat ourselves with kindness and compassion?
I think part of the answer is accepting that in being human we will experience a wide range of emotions, many of which are uncomfortable. We’re learning to give our children space to feel all of their feelings, and we need to allow ourselves the space to do the same.
It may be going against all of your cultural or family conditioning to feel and explore anger, shame, grief, sadness, or whatever tough emotions are coming up for you. It is really hard work, especially when we’ve been taught that they are bad/negative/unhelpful feelings.
But we can start to welcome them instead of pushing them down. Then, we can meet these emotions with empathy and compassion. We can replace the judgmental inner critic with a kinder voice. We can start the healing process.
As Brené continues in the podcast:
Hurt is hurt, y’all. And every time we honor our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy, the healing that results affects all of us.
So as you move forward, in this world that feels unforgivingly hard right now in big and small ways, see if you can start with empathy toward yourself and your own struggles. It will ripple outward from you.
In addition to empathy, if you’re looking for a few ways to get through tough moments (or weeks, or longer), our Circle for Parents of Older Babies came up with this wonderful list:
Be in nature
Show up today to the circle even though it was hard to get out of bed
Listen to music
Think about what makes me feel hopeful
Read fantasy novels (specifically the Broken Earth Trilogy)
Have a family dance party
Go for a walk
Listen to fun podcasts (like Say More With Dr? Sheila)
Donate
Reduce phone/news time
Notice what's right in front of me - using my 5 senses (here's a quick how-to)
Be creative
Call my representative
One other thing I always lean into during tough times is my gratitude practice.
On September 10, 2013 a dear friend emailed 3 other women with an invitation to participate in a daily practice: we would send the group an e-mail with three things we were grateful for each day. It started off simple but over the months and years we've shared amazing joys and heartbreaking losses. Some days the gratitudes flow freely, while others it is truly an exercise. I have to say it is one of the most important parts of my life - taking time to acknowledge all of the good even on the tough days.
If you want to explore gratitude, please join our free gratitude challenge that starts next week. It can be as simple as taking a moment each day to name something you are thankful for in your life. You can start a gratitude journal, text chain, or join our social media hashtag #my30gratitudes.
For more connection and support, here are some additional upcoming offerings:
Pregnancy Circle | New cohort starts Monday, October 30
Connect with others as you navigate your changing body, birth options, and prepare for life with a new baby. Pregnancy circle is an 8 week community building experience where participants will meet online weekly for 60 minutes. Participants are welcome to join in any trimester and can be welcoming their first child or an additional child into their families.
The Birth You Didn’t Expect Workshop | Friday, November 10
Art Therapist Ali Piacente will be hosting this workshop for people whose birth didn’t go as planned — mothers, fathers, grandparents, friends, doulas, birth workers or others are all welcome. Using art, you will begin the process of putting the pieces back together with support and empathy from the courageous members of the group.
Offerings for Dads from The Fatherhood Circle | Throughout November
Local dad Drew Sample is building a calendar of in-person experiential events for DC-based dads that will offer opportunities for learning, catharsis, insight and inspiration, as well as connection with the larger Fatherhood Circle community. Dads are invited to join Ecstatic Breathwork, Thursday Zoom Group, Paternity Leave Group and Saturday Saunter.
Mamas Circles | New Circles start November 29 & 30
New Mamas Circles and our special Mamas Circle for newly 2nd & 3rd time moms are open, supportive communities we talk about changing identities, relationships, and how to get through the day (and night) with little ones. A place to be in community with other women and know you're not in this alone. Mamas Circles are for moms and their pre-crawling babies.
Have another idea for a circle? Let us know what you’d like to see in 2024 on our circle interest form, reply if you received this as an email, or leave a comment below.