A huge milestone happened in my parenting life last month - both of my kids had their first day at the SAME SCHOOL. They’re in kindergarten and second grade and go to our local elementary school together.
This is the first time, in the almost 8 years I’ve been a parent, that they’ve both been out of the house for full days all week. Since my daughter was born in November 2015, I’ve been spending most of my time with my children while navigating teaching yoga, leading circles, and working one-on-one with clients. I pieced together grandparent babysitting (thanks grandparents!), a covid pod school, a part time preschool, and sent literally countless emails during nap time.
It was hard, fulfilling, exhausting and joyful.
That first week of this new school year, so many friends asked me, “how does it feel?! Are you sad?!”
It felt glorious. I was not sad.
Three weeks in, as my kids start to settle into their new routine (which always takes MUCH longer than I expect at the start of each fall) I’m settling in as well. And finding time to reflect and let it all sink in.
One thing I keep thinking about is independence - both mine and theirs. They’re off on their own each day. They can tie (or velcro) their own shoes. I have more time and space to make my own schedule, enjoy a moment of quiet at home, and not be tending to someone else’s needs most of the time.
And, even after all of that, the idea of independence being the goal is just not sitting right.
Because we’re interdependent beings. Being with others, in community, matters.
Yes, my kids are off on their own, but they’re surrounded by caring teachers and wonderful classmates who support them in their learning and growth.
On the other hand, many adults I know who have achieved the goal of being fiercely independent are actually incredibly lonely. They may have checked off many of the cultural “success” boxes - spouse, kid(s), career, home. But it doesn’t feel as glorious as was promised.
In this opinion piece, Jennifer Breheny Wallace explains the importance of seeing our value not in the work we do or the accomplishments we achieve, but our place in a community. She writes:
“…what research suggests is that lasting self-worth cannot come from approval based solely on external rewards, such as trophies, college acceptance letters and fancy job offers. Rather, an understanding of one’s inherent value comes from knowing one’s place in a community — from the sense that others value you and that you add value to others. Researchers call this feeling “mattering”: Only by building interdependence can kids gain social proof that they do indeed matter.
The same goes for adults. Our mattering, our belonging, is strengthened in the value we add to each other’s lives, including the help we accept from others.
After a few solo days of relishing in the blissful quiet of my house, I’m working on more intentionally building the same for myself in this new stage of parenthood. I’ve quickly realized that in this newfound independence what I’m really craving is purposeful interdependence.
I’m following a beautifully simple framework shared by a dear friend. She’s teaching her kids interdependence by pointing out the 3 ways we meet our own needs, and the needs of those around us:
We do things for ourselves
We do things for other people
Other people do things for us
Each of these ways of meeting our needs, and helping others meet their needs, is valuable.
It’s that simple.
But it’s not easy. We’ve been conditioned by our culture to only value #1: independence. We’re occasionally allowed to help others (#2), but accepting help (#3) is not ok.
The idea of receiving help as a sign of weakness or failure is something I’m still working on unlearning. The cultural messaging is still ever present in my own mind despite spending the 2 decades of my adult life exploring and teaching the importance of interdependence through international cultural exchanges, yoga, education, and circles for mothers and parents.
So as I settle into my new normal, my intention is to continue to actively engage in and strengthen my own communities. I’m prioritizing doing things for others and having them do things for me instead of going at it alone. It’s going to be uncomfortable, as areas of growth can often be, but it also feels aligned and right. I’ll let you know how it goes!
If you or someone in your life is looking for more interdependence and community here are a few places to start:
A circle for moms: It’s the LAST DAY to register for Motherhood: Redefined where we value interdependence over independence. See other offerings below…
A circle for for dads led by local parent Drew Sample: The Fatherhood Circle has new cohorts starting soon.
Our free Fall Play Date & Community Gathering with special guest Michelle Tebor from Happy Little Art Studio. Come play and create with us on Sunday October 22 from 11:30am-1pm. See all the details and RSVP here!
I’d love to hear if you have a fall intention or focus, or if you’re still getting used to the “new normal” of whatever life is throwing your way.
Sending warm wishes as we approach the fall equinox!
With love,
Elizabeth
Upcoming Circles
Motherhood: Redefined, which I co-facilitate with Robyn Gordon, will meet on Thursdays this fall in two cohorts: in-person at 10am on my backyard screened-in porch and virtually at 12pm. Join us to redefine motherhood for yourself and your family in a welcoming and inclusive space. We will be real, creative, and messy as we gather to explore what motherhood means to us.
New Mamas Circles and our special Mamas Circle for newly 2nd & 3rd time moms are starting this fall as well - in these open, supportive communities we talk about changing identities, relationships, and how to get through the day (and night) with little ones. A place to be in community with other women and know you're not in this alone. Mamas Circles are for moms and their pre-crawling babies.
The Mentorship Circle is a group coaching program for small business owners, independent contractors, and parents exploring working for themselves. We come together and support each other as we navigate the delicate balance of family, self, work, and play. This circle is all about connection, support, and mentorship around the intersection of parenthood, small business owner/independent contractor work, and everything else that comes with life (relationships, friendships, finances, so much laundry, and more)!
Interested in one-on-one support? I have one spot open in my Coaching Program.
Have another idea for a circle? Let us know what you’d like to see on our circle interest form, reply if you received this as an email, or leave a comment below.